I find Caravaggio's The Incredulity of Saint Thomas to be a fascinating painting. One of the reasons why is that the text of John's Gospel, which is the basis for the moment the painting portrays, never actually says that Thomas touched Jesus' wounds, only that he declared he wouldn't believe that Jesus had risen from the dead without doing so. The painting aside, the episode of Thomas' doubt is deeply illustrative of how God deals with doubt throughout the scriptures. Again and again we see heroes of the faith depicted as having doubt: doubt in themselves, doubt in what they've been told by angels, even doubt after working miracles in God's name. From Abraham's twice invoked "she's really just my sister" routine in Genesis, to Moses' attempt to put the responsibility on his younger brother instead of himself in Exodus, to Gideon's repeated requests for confirmation in Judges, to Elijah's exhaustion because he thinks he's the only one fighting for God in 1 Kings, to Esther's hesitancy to step forward in Esther, and finally Zechariah's doubt while standing in the Temple itself talking to the angel Gabriel in Luke, we see these great men and women who accomplished amazing things by the power of God, expressing their doubt and hesitancy.
And here's the key thing: In none of those instances does God search for the 'smite' key {A reference to one of my favorite Far Side cartoons} and ditch the person expressing how they really feel. Instead, in each case God offers a second chance in the form of reassurance and patience until the person with doubt is able, thanks to this act of grace from God, to overcome it and continue fulfilling their purpose in God's plan. The point is, they were still useful to God.
How does the Church treat doubt? I'm not talking about those who deny the Trinity or the Virgin Birth, for example, thanks to heretical teachings, that's false conviction not doubt, but rather those who have genuine doubts about God, his will or purpose, because the life they've lived has brought these feelings into focus. Too often the Church can feel like the last place you would want to admit that you're struggling with doubt, anxiety, fear, even anger toward God. It feels like a judgmental place, a place where, "nobody has doubts, but me." Why? Not because that's true, not because you're the only person who has been wounded by life, but because for whatever reason we choose to portray faith as an all-or-nothing proposition. In reality, faith is a journey, a commitment, the kind of thing that can take a hit, get knocked down, but then rise once more and continue on, even if the person holding onto it has some scars from the experience. Faith isn't made of glass, it is capable of dealing with reality, looking at difficult questions with humility, and acknowledging when we don't have all the answers. Why? Because faith is primarily a relationship with God, not an intellectual pursuit on our part. Yes, our minds are involved, we need to know and accept who God is and what God has done for us in order to have faith, but that faith is IN God, a person, not a concept or construct, a person (who just so happens to be the Creator of the universe, a key thing faith has going for itself).
If you're having difficulties, if your faith feels battered and bruised, you won't be alone if you go to church, God be merciful on us if those you find there make you think you are, because you're not, they may not be willing to admit it, but a number of the people sitting, singing, and prayer with you know just how you feel because they were there once too, and maybe still are. In the end, God isn't going to give up on you, for each and every person who faith and hope are in Jesus Christ is an adopted child-of-God, we're safe in our Father's arms, especially when we have to ask God to 'hold us tighter'.
