The difficult truth about the role of women that was lost in the outrage for/against Harrison Butker's speech

 

It was entirely predictable that NFL kicker Harrison Butker's commencement address would be condemned in most blue circles and lauded in red ones.  The click-bait outrage fueled Culture War industry needs new topics on a daily basis, and this one is a near-perfect Rorschach Test that allows both sides to see what they hope to see in it.  For example:

Chiefs' Harrison Butker 'said nothing wrong' during faith-based commencement speech, religious group says - Fox News

vs.

Backlash over NFL player Harrison Butker’s commencement speech has reached a new level - CNN

To read the full text of the speech: Full Text: Harrison Butker of Kansas City Chiefs Graduation Speech - National Catholic Register

While Harrison Butker said a lot of things in his speech about politics, COVID19, and the Catholic Church (especially the Traditional Latin Mass), some of which was good and true but parts of which were conspiracy-theory driven and dangerous, it was his address directly to the graduating women that caught the attention of most:

For the ladies present today, congratulations on an amazing accomplishment. You should be proud of all that you have achieved to this point in your young lives. I want to speak directly to you briefly because I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolical lies told to you. How many of you are sitting here now about to cross this stage and are thinking about all the promotions and titles you are going to get in your career? Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.

I can tell you that my beautiful wife, Isabelle, would be the first to say that her life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother. I'm on the stage today and able to be the man I am because I have a wife who leans into her vocation. I'm beyond blessed with the many talents God has given me, but it cannot be overstated that all of my success is made possible because a girl I met in band class back in middle school would convert to the faith, become my wife, and embrace one of the most important titles of all: homemaker...

I say all of this to you because I have seen it firsthand how much happier someone can be when they disregard the outside noise and move closer and closer to God's will in their life. Isabelle's dream of having a career might not have come true, but if you asked her today if she has any regrets on her decision, she would laugh out loud, without hesitation, and say, “Heck, No.”

Here is the difficult truth that Butker didn't mention in his speech: For most young women in America today, there is no choice between being a homemaker and having a career.  Most won't get to choose because they will have to work throughout the years in which they may or may not be also fulfilling the role of mother.  Economic realities are, in fact, realities.  

When I was growing up I was blessed to have a mother who was, mostly, able to be at home before we went to school and when we came back home.  My mom, Kathy, worked a few odd-jobs during those years, but it was mostly running day-care out of our home that helped to pay the bills.  My dad, Walt, worked hard for over 40 years at Amway, working his way up the ladder and teaching himself the math that his high school education didn't include.  I'm exceedingly proud of the hard work and dedication of both my dad and my mom during the decades when my brother, sister, and I were growing up.  We were blessed to have both of our parents so involved in our daily lives.  

That was then, it was tight for us with my dad's income as the primary, supplemented by what my mom could earn, but the economic situation for most of my generation-X, and certainly the generations after, has gotten more difficult.

The reality is, most of the women hearing Harrison Butker's speech will need to work full-time, or close to it, if their future family has any real chance of owning a home and paying the bills.  It won't be about choosing the "vocation" of being a homemaker, but the juggling of multiple roles and responsibilities, something women have known about for centuries.

The stay-at-home mom may be an ideal among Christian conservatives {and not just Catholics, see: Why does John MacArthur think it is ok to tell Beth Moore to 'Go home'? - blog post 10/19}, but the economic choices facing would-be mothers and fathers don't care if you root for the blue team or the red team.

I'll let a story from my own life and marriage to Nicole be the last thought here: When we were first married in 2001, my wife worked full-time as a teacher (first at Saranac High School, then Pewamo-Westphalia, both in MI).  That continued for the first 9 years of our marriage.  It wasn't because she wanted to work full-time, but because even with my own multiple jobs added to the mix we struggled to pay our modest mortgage each month, and in fact had a significant debt-load to climb out from under when we moved to PA in 2012.  We both worked hard, but we were spinning our wheels financially.  To make matters worse, from 2010-2012 we didn't have any health insurance.  I was working multiple jobs but none of them had benefits.  I know that this story will sound familiar to a lot of people.

It may come as no surprise, then, that our daughter Clara wasn't born until 2015, after our financial situation had improved significantly (and when we had health insurance).  If God had blessed us sooner with a child, we would have celebrated and praised that blessing, but Nicole would have been forced to return to work as soon as she was physically able after that child was born.  I know many women who have done just that, returning full-time to the work force within a few weeks of giving birth.  I can't begin to imagine how difficult that must be physically and emotionally, they're amazing.

In the end, it doesn't really matter if the "ideal" family in Harrison Butker's view has a stay-at-home mom to the millions of families for whom that "ideal" can never be a reality.

Let us remember to support and encourage the young mothers and fathers in our own churches and communities who are trying to juggle all of the roles and responsibilities that reality has tossed at them.

Children need mentors, parents need to be vigilant

 I am a firm believer in the merits of 40 Assets Model (The Developmental Assets Framework).  Long story short, this model predicts that the more positive assets a child has growing up, the more likely that child will be to avoid negative behavior and outcomes.  For example: A child with 34 of the 40 assets will be less likely to experiment with drugs or drop out of school than a child with 7.  Statistical likelihood is not determinism, some children with a high score may still struggle, and some with low scores will succeed in spite of them.  However, by and large, when we can, as parents and as a community, it is more than worth our investment of time and money to help ensure that as many children as possible are given the chance to develop more assets.  What is an asset?  Parental involvement, positive peer influence, high expectations, safety, caring neighbors, other adult relationships, youth programs, religious community, etc.

Looking back on my childhood, I had ample parental involvement, high expectations, a group of friends that were a positive (if nerdy) influence, and all sorts of other assets.  I was truly blessed with an abundance of assets during my formative years.  Two of these in particular are connected to the purpose of this post: religious community and other adult relationships.  My family attended church services at Galilee Baptist Church on Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, and Wednesday evening.  We went to Sunday School, I was involved in Junior Church, VBS, 5 Day Clubs, Christian camps, and later youth group.  There was no lack of God-centered influences in my life.  As you can imagine, I would highly recommend to parents that they involve their children (and it makes a big difference to the kids if their parents are involved as well, not just dropping them off) in church activities.  Multiple activities, regularly.  It is an investment that will pay tremendous dividends later on.  

That being said, it is unfortunate that we need to add a warning: Parents make sure that the church you involve your kids with is taking Child Abuse prevention seriously.  Make sure they follow the state guidelines, and more than that, that they have no tolerance for situations that have the potential for abuse.  "Nobody ever thought that X would be a child molester" has been said over and over.  Parents need to make sure they know that their kids are not being put into situations where their child is alone with a potential abuser.  And since abusers are, by their nature, difficult to spot, that warning needs to apply across the board.  It is easier, logistically, to assume that our kids are safe, that it won't happen here, but we're be foolish to do so.  From the perspective of a church pastor, I would never allow anyone to work with children that I have even the barest hint of worry about, but that's not enough.  We have rules and procedures in place for a reason.  

This need for rules and multiple people keeping an eye on things was brought once more into focus at the multi-site church, Menlo Church, led by Pastor John Ortberg.  After great success (by all accounts) at the church, Ortberg's tenure ended in resignation because he failed to be proactive about a potentially dangerous situation involving children and a youth worker (in this case his son).  {John Ortberg and the Pitfalls of Pastoral Discernment - by Daniel Harrell, editor, Christianity Today}  Once again, one person's judgment is not sufficient, abuse (potential or actual) is not an area in which church leaders should be making their own judgment.

The second area that I was blessed with abundant assets as a youth was that of 'other adult relationships'; in my case that meant coaches.  From elementary school on, I played three sports a year, and a couple of my coaches transcended the coach-player relationship to become a mentor, and as I grew older, even a friend.  Two stand out, both of whom were teachers at Saranac: Don Videtich, who had the misfortune of coaching me in basketball for several years, and Cindy Sanford, who stepped out of her comfort zone to coach cross-country.  To be a kids' sports coach is a tremendous opportunity to affect young people with positive values of teamwork, dedication, and sportsmanship.  It is also a chance for adults to model proper behavior to kids, to show an interest in kids who might otherwise slip through the cracks.  

Unfortunately, we need to remember the exact same precautionary warnings about coaches too.  The idea that prompted this post was an article from ESPN about a female Texas Tech women's basketball coach being fired after allegations of horrendous abuse heaped on her players {Texas Tech fires Marlene Stollings after report alleging abusive program}.  Sadly, we're no longer shocked that an institution like a college has to wait for a report to take action, that no oversight was in place to stop the alleged actions up front.  What happened at Texas Tech is also a reminder that we can't let stereotypes dull our vigilance as parents (and community members in general).  Even if the vast majority of abusers are male, that doesn't mean we can ignore ideas of safety if the coach is a woman.  Even if young children are more vulnerable, that doesn't mean we can assume that teens or young adults can 'take care of themselves'.  The pressure on kids to conform, to 'not rock the boat', and the fear of embarrassment should they speak up, is terribly real, don't put the onus on them to report abuse.

So, where does that leave us?  We know that kids absolutely need mentors beyond their own family, that the influence of religious organizations and adult mentors like teachers and coaches can have a huge positive impact for the rest of your kids life.  Allowing the potential negatives to convince us to 'bubble wrap' our kids isn't the answer, vigilance is.  We, and as the father of a precious little girl just starting kindergarten, I do mean we, need to have our eyes and ears open, and not just for our own kid's safety, for every kid.  How can we best do this?  By being involved along with our kid, volunteer to help out, both those religious and sporting programs could use the extra help.

Sermon Video: That all the earth might know the LORD - Joshua 4

Having provided a supernatural way across the Jordan River, the LORD instructs Joshua to have the people of Israel construct a memorial using twelve stones carried from the midst of the river.  The memorial is to serve as a object lesson to facilitate the teaching of future generations regarding the wonders performed by God on behalf of his people.  In addition to the construction of the memorial itself, Joshua instructs the people that it will be the responsibility of future parents to teach their children about the LORD.
Both of the ideas in Joshua chapter 4 are easily applicable to the Church today.  We too need to celebrate what God has done for us, finding appropriate ways to memorialize them, and we too need to emphasize the need for parental responsibility regarding the instruction of the next generation regarding the LORD.  As a Church, it is our responsibility to reinforce and encourage the instruction that ought to begin in the home, which of course necessitates that those who are parents within the Church have themselves been instructed in order to make them capable of teaching their children.

To watch the video, click on the link below:

Sermon Video: Our Obligation to family and in the workplace - Colossians 3:18-4:1

Having written concerning our obligations to the God who made us and redeemed us, Paul also expresses our obligations within our family structures (wives, husbands, children, parents) and within society as a whole focusing on the slave/master relationship (not of course equivalent to employee/employer, but with principles that can be applied to that modern relationship).  In each case, Paul emphasizes that how we act and interact in our relationships is a form of submission to the will of God, thus if we obey the Word of God in these areas we will do what is fitting/pleasing to the Lord.  There is also an emphasis on the need to be upright in our relationships at all times, not just when it is noticeable, knowing that God will later judge our actions.

To watch the video, click on the link below:

Out of Control: The unspoken cost of over-scheduled children

The most recent issue of Time magazine featured a cover story, "How Kid Sports Turned Pro" which highlights many of the financial dangers to families of the traveling sports teams for children, some younger than ten, which can cost a family tens of thousands of dollars a year in the pursuit of the dream of raising a professional athlete or simply netting a college scholarship.  In addition to this financial burden, the article emphasizes the serious potential for emotional and physical injury to these children (from the frantic schedules, high pressure performances, and too specialized exercise).

All of these things, and more, should be warning signs to parents of the danger of over-scheduling the lives of their children, and of raising a narcissist by teaching that child that the world revolves around him/her, and yet there was one area of danger that the article failed to address: the elevation of these athletic pursuits above devotion to God.   It should come as no surprise that the weekend tournaments that families travel, often half-way across the country to attend, necessitate that the family will not be attending church on Sunday.  As a pastor, I've seen this trend increase over the years, as families feel pressured to choose the hobby/sport that their child loves (or at least the parent thinks they love it) over spending time as a family in the house of God at worship.

Going to church isn't the priority it once was and our society (and countless individuals and families) have lost an intangible asset as a result.  In a world where human connections are more tenuous and rare, our spiritual connection to God and each other looms ever more crucial.  Will my child someday participate in a sport that holds games/tournaments on Sunday morning?  No, she will not, and not just because I'm a pastor and my absence would be noticed; because my wife and I recognize that our time spent as a family in the house of the Lord is an invest in our family and an example to our daughter of how highly we value God.



** This is not an indictment of parents who must work on Sunday to provide for their family, such things are unavoidable for some, nor does it concern those who miss church to take a family vacation or attend a family event.  My concern is with those for whom church is such a low priority that attendance a "we're not doing anything else" option instead of being the high priority that our devotion to God ought to demand of us.**

Sermon Video: Reflections on her birth - various texts

This week's events necessitated a one week hiatus from our study of Titus because it marked the arrival of my daughter, Clara Marie.  My wife Nicole and I give thanks to God for her safe delivery and Nicole's health through the birthing process as well.  There were people praying from Pennsylvania to Michigan, all of whom have our gratitude.
This message focuses on three passages of Scripture that spoke to me as I pondered the experiences of the past week: Luke 13:34, which speaks of God's willingness to help people, but mankind's reluctance to accept it.  I thought of this verse as Nicole went through labor, for I could do nothing to take that pain away, nor nothing to help ease it beyond emotional support.  I wanted to help, and Nicole would have been glad to accept it, but I was powerless to do so.  God has the power to transform the life of each and every person on the planet, it is mankind's stubborn rebellion that holds the grace of God at bay.  The second passage, Hebrews 12:2 speaks of Jesus' ability to look beyond the agony of the cross to the glory that lay in his victory at the resurrection.  In a similar way, mothers going through the labor of childbirth take comfort in knowing that their trial and tribulation will result in new life, joy exists on the other side of pain.  The last passage, Ecclesiastes 11:5, speaks of the mystery of the wonder of human life, of God's amazing hand of creation that forms a distinct human being within the mother's womb.  Witnessing my daughter's birth, I felt the awe of God's creative power, of his ability to turn a biological process in a wondrous gift.

To watch the video, click on the link below:
Sermon Video

Sermon Video: "Train a child" - Proverbs 22:6

In light of the impending birth of our first child, I decided to utilize the text of Proverbs 22:6 to talk about parenting as it relates to Christian families and the Church.  The Bible does not contain extensive discussion of parenting techniques or theories, instead focusing on the need for children to obey their parents and allowing the narratives of those whose lives play out in the Bible to teach us.  This proverb, like all proverbs, is not a promise or guarantee, but rather a pearl of wisdom that shows us the proper way to live.  Children need training, that much is obvious, in an ideal situation it will be done by both mom and dad, working together in harmony with the help of grandparents, other relatives, neighbors, teachers, and the church.  That this is the ideal situation is beyond doubt, but many families are working with far less than the ideal.  The task, however, remains, children need to be taught.  The Church can be a tremendous asset to broken families, and even intact ones, to reinforce and support their efforts to raise moral children of character who honor and love God.  This is one of the fundamental tasks of the Church, and a sacred duty of its people.
The phrase, "in the way he should go" could be translated literally from the Hebrew as, "according to his way", it reminds us that children are unique creations of God, each one with talents and interests that ought to be encouraged.  Educators have realized that children learn in a variety of ways and have adjusted their techniques accordingly, parents could use this same advice, especially when dealing with multiple children who need to be treated fairly, not equally, because they are not the same.  Thus parents need to be flexible when training their children, but that isn't the same thing as leaving the decision making up to them.  Children live in the moment, parents must look toward the future.
Beyond efforts to teach children, whether it be skills, academics, or morality, is the important truth that the most effective thing we can do to teach the next generation to love God is to show them that we do.  When we model our faith, with sincerity and devoid of hypocrisy, it has a far greater impact than mere words, when we live out our faith every day, our children will see its value in us and be far more likely to embrace faith for themselves.  This is a task for parents, and one that the church can also help with by providing positive role models of adults living by faith.  The more relationships a child has with an adult that exemplifies faith, hope, and love, the better.
Lastly, the proverb ends with a word of hope for worried parents.  We know that some kids will wander away from their upbringing in the Church.  We know that some will not embrace faith as we do, but the best possible thing for every parent and every child is to instill the love of God within them while they are young.  No matter what happens later in life, if we have done our duty for them in the beginning, we can have hope that its impact upon them will remain.

To watch the video, click on the link below:
Sermon Video

Sermon Video: "A Tale of Two Child Kings" - II Chronicles 33-35

The lives of these two child kings of Judah, Manasseh and Josiah illustrate the responsibility that each man and woman has before God.  Manasseh had a righteous father, Hezekiah, but turned into one of Judah's most wicked kings.  Josiah had a wicked father, Amon, but became one of the nation's most God-honoring kings.  In both cases, these men defied that "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" mentality.  In the end, we must all answer to God for what we do with the situation we find ourselves in.

To watch the video, click on the link below:
Sermon Video

Thoughts on "The Lovely Bones"

As an alternative education teacher, I'm always on the look-out for books that are high quality that my students will actually read.  Over the years I've had some success (notably with Stephen King's "Eyes of the Dragon") and some flops ("Jurassic Park" and "Runaway Jury" haven't gone over as well as I hoped).  I recently had to pick a new book on short notice (to cover classes for another teacher for a quarter; Get well Angi!).  At Barnes and Noble, I stumbled across "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold.  I'd heard about the movie (Directed by Peter Jackson!!), so I sat down and read a bit to see if I could decide if it would work...
In the end, I'm teaching the book right now (going great, they're into it) and I'd like to just share a few thoughts about it for those of you who may read it or see the movie (Yikes!  Always read the book when you have a choice)

The premise of the book is that the death of Susie (revealed on the 1st page, I'm not spoiling it) is the hole in the lives of her family around which their futures are knit together.  They go through some really rough times, deal with raw emotions; make mistakes; and basically do what people do when life beats them down.  Ultimately, they do find peace; but I can't help but wonder how the story may have been different had there been a religious element to it.  Surely, one of the greatest benefits to being a Christian is the HOPE that we have in Christ.  The ability to look past today's sorrows and know that the future is still in God's hands.  I'm not saying that Christian parents wouldn't have a problem with losing a child (obviously they would), but that Christians have someone to turn to when it seems like we've been abandoned in life.  "I will never leave you nor forsake you"; the words of the Savior have special power for those who cling to them through the storm.

The book also contains a variety of other ways that characters try to cope with their loss (from drugs to sex to rage); all of which ultimately doesn't work {a postive message if you choose to see it}, and it certainly contains an interesting view of what Heaven is {good for conversation starting with teens esp.}.  If it sounds like I'd recommend this book to Christian readers, I would.  It does contain some material that isn't suitable for younger kids (the murder of Susie being #1 on that list, rather graphic, and some sex too later on), but it definately contains material that will generate questions, thoughts, comments; etc.  Our world is in desperate need of answers to the big questions about the meaning and purpose of this life and what happens when it's over.  This book certainly will show the frailty of trying to cope with life alone, the kind of thing that a parent, mentor, or friend could use to help show the healing hand of Christ to someone in need.

A Parent's Dilemma

“When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. But the more I called Israel, the further they went from me.”
Many of you will recognize this verse from Hosea because of its use by Matthew in his Gospel (2:15) to refer to the return of Jesus with Mary and Joseph from exile in Egypt. When verse 1 is read in combination with verse 2 the message of God’s love for his prodigal people comes to the forefront. In these verses God is lamenting the ironic reaction to his love that many parents also struggle with. When God tried to show his love to Israel, to call out to them, they only went further away from him. Likewise, many parents whose children are struggling try to reach out to them only to have that child draw further away in response. A similar problem can occur between husbands and wives when one is having trouble and the other attempts to draw them close to help, only to see the distance widen between them. How do we explain this phenomenon and what can we do about it?
The cause of this “flee from love” response will vary with each case, but in the example of Israel it was caused by the willful disobedience of the people. They did not want to come close to God because they were enjoying their sinful behavior (at least for now). What was God’s response? He continued to love them. He brought necessary chastisement against them, but he continued to love them.
What can parents and spouses learn from God’s experience with Israel? First, just loving more may not be sufficient, we cannot make people love us more by pursuing them harder. Second, don’t give up; God didn’t walk away from Israel despite the trouble they caused him, he remained steadfast in his love. Even when that child yells, “I hate you!” don’t give up. Israel eventually came back to God, steadfast love does produce results. Likewise, in America today people give up on their marriage far too easily, be resilient, imitate God’s patience and mercy toward you when you love your spouse, and know that no matter how hard it may be today, God has been there before, he’ll continue to be with you.